city of brotherly love
2000-06-14
These are stories of the joy, happiness and bitterness of growth, secret adimirations and love affairs, extreme sorrowness and anguishes of lives of a boy who unfortunately loves members of his own sex and had long been confused by his sexual orientation, and who, fortunately enough, has finally accepted this identity and came out of his world of confinement to the much bigger one of those who share the same secret with him.
1. i just can't forget
That night i made up my mind finally that i should at least call him once before i leave this city and i did call him the next night.But it all seemed like a joke.
I was told that his beeper call was not in use anymore.
Yes, life played a joke on me.
And i don't have any more information about him.I don't know his email address, i don't know where he lives, i don't know his telephone number, i even don't know his real name. His beeper is the only means by which i can reach him.It's the only thread that links me and my lover and now it is cut.
2.it's him who changed my life.
i'd thought that i would never fall in love with a faggot(although this is a derogatory word i would like to use it because i am not a native english speaker and not so familiar with this word which thus appears less sensitive to me) though i myself exactly and absolutely is.but i did hate those men who has the same sexual orientation with me.i only like those who like girls.a little strange right?
but not any more after i met him.it was in january.in a lavitory.at the first sight of him, i knew i would fallin love him and actually i had fallen in love with him at that moment. i smiled to him and made a gesture. i had never been so brave before but at that moment i was full of courage.and then something happened.
on the bus home(his home is very near to my university so we both took bus 123) we exchanged our beeper numbers, but nothing more.that's what i feel terribly regretted.
he is exactly the guy i have been looking for.it is him who changed my attitude.from then on, i tried to accept other faggots.i advertised on a friend-seeking websites hoping i could be found by him. i went to chat rooms frequently hoping i could meet him by chance.(unrealistic, right?)and now i am really proud of myself for being a foggot.it's him who changed my life.
but now i am leaving this fucking city with which i have fallen in love with, partly because of him.i hoped that i could at least keep in touch with him. and i wanted to tell him that how i love him.whether he would accpet my love is not important.i only want to let him know my love.
but his beeper is not in use any more!
what can i do ?
can meet him again some day in the future?
what i can do is only praying.
3.Never Been Kissed
It was its title that attracted me and i picked up the pirated vcd and rented it.
She is a copy editor of Chicago Sun Times.25, but never been really kissed by a man.She is sucessful in school courses at high school and university, but not in love affairs because she devotes too much time in her academic works.
And that reminded me of myself.It seems that i led a life similar to hers, somewhat.And i can't help asking myself: have i ever been really kissed?
I am not sure whether it was a real kiss or not.That night I did kiss Sunny, before we made love.He read my advertisement on a friend-seeking website and emailed me.He gave me his mobile phone number and later i called him.He was quite direct in asking me many personal questions such as "how long is ur dick" and surprisingly, i felt no ashamed in answering these questions.
The next time he called me, he asked me to his home where was only five minutes' bicycle ride away from my university.And i agreed.
I waited for him for three hours.He told me he was very busy and that night he had a lot of things to do at company.When he finally appeared it was 11:43 pm.
15 minutes later i was at his home.45 minutes later i was on his bed.We kissed.And made love, three times.It was the first time that i had been into another man.Quite wonderful. Not as wonderful as i had imagined before, though.
4.Familiar Faces, Hidden
I just couldn't find appropriate words to describe how grateful i was when i was reading Familiar Faces, Hidden Lives, a biography written by Howard Brown, the former Medicine Adiminstrator of New York city -- at the same time, a queer -- and came out when he stepped out of the position in 1972. In this book he told stories of his own and of many others who share the same sexual identity with him.What he wrote in the book, is simply what i have found out for myself.I was deeply touched and moved.I hope one day i can translate it in to my mother language and publish it.I am sure it will be helpful to those who are confused with their sexual orientation in the large cities, small towns and remost villages of this country -- by encouraging them to believe that they can also live a happy life and to fight for our rights, by changing attitudes of all, including those who are inially biased against us, and ultimately and ultimately, by improving the situations here.
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